Fear - DDD and Pregnancy

2019 Holy Cow!!
I am still taking it day by day.

However I do have some news. I shared in an earlier blog my fear of having kids and having the ability to have a child with this never-ending back issue.

Well in 2017 I had a child! It was a seriously tough thing. Being completly health carrying a child I am sure is tough by itself. Anyway I am going to tell you I was extremely nervous the entire pregnancy and of course nervous for the major part - DELIVERY.

I feared delivery the entire pregnancy. I feared getting bigger and gaining more weight. I feared carrying around a child and what additional stress that would cause my body. I feared the cost of delivery and also having to seek pain management again if needed.

There were lots of fears, lets just say that.

But I did it.

It was not easy. It was not a walk in the park.

But I did it.

I will say this, it was not the worst thing in the world. I did yoga every day and took whatever the OBGYN said I could which was basically tylenol.

The doctor approved a muscle relaxer which I only took when absolutely necessary.

I had an epidural during the delivery which I made clear to all doctors, nurses, residents, anyone in training, visitors, guests anyone present that I was terrified of messing up my back with an epidural. The anestheisiologist made it clear he would not hurt me.

He didn't.

My Back actually felt better for a few months after delivery from the epidural I am guessing...Hopefully.

After the high of having a baby wore off I did start to feel the tension and tightness again. I still get it. My go-to's are stretching and strengthening. I still use the tiger balm patches however not as frequently and ibprofuen. If I get really sore I might use a heating pad.

I still get nervous that I am going to have relapse of the past because that was the worst experience of my life. But my main fear is having that relapse now while I have a child to care for. The fear is still there I guess just a different fear.

Crazy Year!

I got my degree!! Life is good! It was not easy but I did it. I was sore a lot, that was probably the hardest thing to deal with. Trying to focus and write papers when your are not feeling well sucks. But you have to do it. I don't even know where to begin. I met some new best friends. These girls gave me so much inspiration to keep going. I have an amazing mentor who I believe inspired me as well. He has back issues too. I had him as a professor a couple of different times and he was just awesome. I did use my tens unit a couple of times lots of heat and a ton of tiger balm. I call the tiger balm patches my back crack because my back loves it. I also took advantage of the campus gym a lot. My doctor always wants me in PT. But I just didn't have time to leave campus or anything so I used the free gym at school to get as much in as I could on my own. OK it wasn't really free I paid for it my tuition....so it just saved me from generating another bill. Anyway I finally am starting to feel confident in self management. I think forcing myself to do these things really helped instead of leaning on my doctor. I love my doctor but he is super expensive. I think now that school is done I am going to focus on dieting. Till next time ya'll
Peace
~college graduate~

Tubing down a river is not my friend

So this is a totally off topic post. For the record none of this was supposed to happen this way.
I have only floated down a river on a tube once and I must say it was quite enjoyable. But, I went tubing for a second time this past weekend for a bachelorette party. Sounds like it should be a good time right? WRONG! As one can imagine the most obvious thing that could happen did, our tube got a hole in it!! We tried and tried to fix it but it completely deflated. It was a pretty cool tube it was a double seater with a cooler in the middle. This thing was quite large and in charge. So despite all the duct tape or patch kits we used the hole was just too big. I found if I laid on the hole where the patch kit was I could float still just not comfortably. Here I am trying to float down the river covering this hole with my body, my little cousin is trying to straddle a floating cooler we brought...where the heck is a video camera when you need one right? I am so bruised and scratched by all the rocks the water level was a bit low. But then the doors of the heavens opened and a floating party that seats like 8 people found us. I swear that god heard our prayers lol. It had music, comfy seats, Jell-O shots basically the works! And there was room for like 4 more people and the nice people of this boat said "jump in". We were like what? Hecks yes we will, don't have to ask us twice! So we are finally comfy and we pass the park! So we jump over board and lo and behold there is a fricken sea of rocks we have climb over to get to land AND all the alcohol I had been drinking decides it wants to show up. Lmao...can you imagine? So now I'm drunk and climbing across these rocks scratching the hell out of my legs and elbows, it was just horrible. The next day I got up and showered examined my body, I felt if I had to go to the e.r. They'd ask, do you have a safe place to go and I'd say yes they would raise an eyebrow and repeat the question.
Despite finding a comfy place to sit for a while this was the worst experience of fun I've ever endured.

I'm still here!

So a lot has happened since my last posts! So I quit my job because my hubby wants me to finish my degree. So I am in my last year of college finally. I had taken a break from school because there was no way I could do both work and school. Do u think I'm cray-cray?! Lol I am hoping I can make it through without any hiccups. See the beginning of the summer I started the first summer session and I made it through that ok and now it's nearing the end of the second summer session and I'm starting to feel it. I am doing so well in school I don't want my back to screw it up. I'm did talk to my advisor about it. Let's be real for a second, do u ever get embarrassed to admit something is wrong or u might need help? Because I do. I never want to admit I can't do something. I feel like people will look at me funny or think I am making it up. But I talked to her and she said to contact the student disability center so I can get excuses from certain things. Right now I am really starting to feel more when I walk. Usually I feel a tinge if I step wrong and that's not all the time. Now I am feeling it after I sit for a while then like every step hurts. But it's only sometimes... Idk what is happening to me.
Before my back used to pop all the time and I think that actually must have relieved the stress back there. Because now I'm not popping as much and there is more tension. That's just my own personal hypothesis. I used to feel like a friggin bowl of Rice Krispies but not anymore.

March madness

So if you haven't gotten your basketball brackets filled out...your a little late lol. Everyone I've talked to says Michigan State will win. I think that's just because what the president put for his pick, but you never know they could win.
So anyway I haven't written in a while because everything has been stagnant. And as you can tell I started this one in March and it is clearly April. I feel time gets away from me a lot. I'm not sure if it's the medication or part of getting older. Well I stopped physical therapy the new guy is not that great. He pushes on my sore spots too much. I'm pretty sure the spots are nerve issues so it doesn't help it just hurts more. Idk this dr takes people fresh out of schooling so they have little experience.
That's really the big update. Lol nothing else new. I've also stopped working only because I'm going back to school. I have one year left for my bachelors degree, I have my associates degree. So I just want to get that done. I'm still trying to self manage...it's tough. The anxiety is subsiding a bit thats my biggest hurdle. Getting your mind to relax knowing your okay. It's hard to realize your okay when your brain is tripping out. I'm concerned going back to school with this anxiety thinking I can sit long enough which I know I can. I went to work just fine.
But that's really all nothing to exciting.
Have a great night!

December! Snow and pain!

So as the cold weather settles in I get a bit more apprehensive. For the past two years I had a horrible attack in January. Both right at the new year so as you can imagine this is my real test of how well my body has done this year. All the pills, shots and therapy lead up to the new year. I feel like in managing my pain I have come along way. Although it's with help I feel ok. It's hard to describe but I just think if other people were me they wouldn't think this was ok. Lol. But for me this is ok. I just hope that the cold weather does not influence my back to be once again an issue. I'm just learning how to calm down or prevent those flares. It has been a rough year. I hope that it only gets better and doesn't give in to the cold weather. My only question is sometime ice helps, so why does cold weather hurt us? Is it the osteoarthritis? Idk. I'm going to try and stay nice and cozy so it hopefully doesn't affect me. I have noticed a slight extra tightness and rough time sleeping. I blame the sleep on my doggies because they wake me up so they can go potty. The tightness I can only blame on the weather. Man, just sitting here thinking about this year....it really has been a long year. I'm blessed even through the roughness. I might be upset and have moments of internal frustration due to my back, but I'm blessed. I have a family that cares, dogs that never leave my side, and my husband that just loves me despite my faults. Besides all my material things I really only care about the people who are in my life. Although having nice things is really flippin nice I just thank god for everyone in my life they are the real blessings.

Limits on physical therapy

I am totally naive! OMG...so I never knew that that there was a limit on how many times a year you can go to physical therapy. Our system here is so flippin broken. They don't want to approve surgery and they also want to cap your physical therapy...don't wantcha to get too good!
Last year the cap was at 60 and because I have used them all I have to sign a form stating that I will go unsupervised. Not only unsupervised but I won't get the therapeutic massages, e-stym, or heat afterward. I am so bummed I was really naive I didn't think about that at all. As most of you know winter is the worst time for us. I wish I would have saved some for December. Now this coming year it will be capped 50 hopefully I won't need them all next year but you never know.
On a side note I woke up with a sore upper back...took a lot of stretches to get that out....but I think my muscle relaxer actually helped that the most. Pretty sure my boobs are to blame for that one. :)
Whelp that's all for tonight!
Take care.

Happy Halloween!

Nope your back is not a trick! Nor is a treat by any means. It is supposed to rain all day which means for many of us we will not be feeling so awesome today. Some of us will be taking children out somewhere to trick or treat. Remember to go slow there is plenty of time for the kids to get candy. Last year I took my nephews I would let them run but they could only go 5 houses ahead where I could see them and then they'd have to wait for me to catch up. Cul-de-sacs are really nice you can stand in one spot and watch them go in a circle. Of course my nephews were old enough to do that. Some people just like do drive their kids around so they don't have to be up and around, hey whatever feels better I am game for. The little ones you may just have to make them be a little more patient. It's one night where it's free candy so it may be hard.
Ah patience what a word that is, learning to wait quietly while things work out. That is such a hard thing even as an adult. I don't have time for this...that is something I hear often. Well our bodies have a way of making us learn the meaning of the word. Waiting in line at the grocery store or waiting on hold for someone to pick up the other end of the phone can prove difficult sometimes. I try to turn it into a positive twist, grocery line? That's okay because I don't like wasting money on magazines, I stand in the longest line so I can read a magazine fully. That way I don't feel rushed and I save money because I don't have to buy the magazine now. On the phone and get put on hold? That's okay I just put it on speaker and sew up my dogs toys or do a chore. You'd be surprised how fast they come back on the line when you change your focus to something else.
So remember to bring something extra along tonight if you have to walk slower than normal maybe play "I spy" while you roam the streets tonight. The kids won't even know you are moving slower if you move their attention away from running around. They will just be happy to spend time with you!
That's all for today happy Halloween!

At least I can walk....

There are many with this issue that can not walk. I was there for a short period of time. I would never wish that on anyone! I mean holy crap my husband fed me Wendy's and Oreos! My husband is pretty amazing. But for real that was my diet. He wheeled in the computer and made sure I had a phone, remote and all the food from the menu. Yesterday I walked around downtown I thought how lucky am I? Even though I was uncomfortable and in slight agony I could still do it. A little slower than most but still moving along. Now I wake up today and I'm completely stiff. Okay just a little stiff and I'm supposed to go pick tomatoes with my grandma. Yikes.
On a side note my memory is shot! Holy crapola! So the other day a coworker listed off to me things I said but I don't remember ever saying any of it. It was in so much detail! I mean it was all true but it was stuff even I forgot about. Yowza! I mean people could really fuck with me if they knew only letting few days go by would give me short term Alzheimer's.
well gotta call the grams.

End of the Road

Doctors visit was a bit harsher than most. Doctor basically told me that he has done everything he can. He can't fix me he can only help me maintain. I knew that going in, he was only going to make me as good as he possibly could and try to maintain. He did help me. He did help me walk straighter and move more. He helped most of the pain reduce. However, its still there. Its never gonna go away.
So guess what? He is referring me to a neurologist or a surgeon I forgot which because my husband was the one talking with him. I was pretty upset because it just sounded like my doctor was giving up on me. Even though he was not giving up he was just stating that he has gotten me as far as he can. I am so glad my husband was there because I was in tears hearing this and I couldn't focus on the options for the referrals he was giving me.
I just thought there were more options and maybe he is not the one who has those for me. I am still fairly new to all this so I am trying to figure it all out. Meeting with other doctors I feel doctor is like, "yeah a legit patient,you have something wrong with you, I WANT all your money" and they are just trying to get in before another doctor dives in. It already costs so much and now I have to decide what I want to do and which path is right for me. I just know everyone is going to try and sell me on their ideas of what is best for me. I wish doctors would be as straight for was as my current doctor. He told me from the beginning he can help me he can't fix me but he would try everything he could to make me feel better. He did. I just worry I am going to choose the wrong thing going forward.
I hope it doesn't mean this is the end of the road.

As normal as it gets and potatoes

Since the last post I found out I still have a job and why I got a headache. My physical therapist stated it was something he does with my head. He gives me a massage on my head and it could be from that.
So I guess with my back this is as normal as I'm gonna get.... I see my doctor again tomorrow. I have a feeling he is going to shoot me up and just refill my scripts. This makes me sad. I don't like living like this and its not getting better! Last night I had to wake up pop pills and exercise and stretch to be able to go back to sleep. I woke up from my sleep saying, " no, no, no, no, no, no..." My husband was just like its okay your back just hurts. So I slowly got out of bed and did my thing. Everything was so tight. .....and speak of the devil the husband just texted me how my back was feeling.
I had a realization as to how old my body actually is this past week as well. My little 78 year old grandmother gets these giant bags of potatoes from this farm every year. They are so super cheap. Well she gets at least one bag per family and she stopped by to drop some off for me. When she came she wouldn't let me lift the bags. So here's my little ol'granny wobbling carrying this bag of potatoes into my garage. So sad she could lift it without having a problem and if I did that I'd be laid up the next day or later in the evening. 78 people she is 78!!! ....now she is not perfect she had her knees replaced and such but she is good....ugh 78 beating a 31 year old in lifting.

Feeling a bit down

So due to some of my medications side effects I've recently been getting some migraines. The migraines are like once a month so not too often however they do effect work. This last time I had one I had to call off work. Which in one of my posts I explain a point system most companies use. Well I believe that my points are up. Currently I'm waiting for a call from my boss. Basically I have no points left and I'm pretty sure they are going to let me go. I'm not sure if its worth a fight to claim FMLA or ADA. So now I'm feeling a bit down. I really did not realize what was going on with my attendance points. I hadn't had it laid out for me to know exactly what I had or didn't have.
I mean silver lining is the day I came back from medical leave or at least the first month everyone was happy to see me...after that no one really cared too much. I have only had one person that has been a constant friend like coworker. My "team" never includes me in anything and all but one coworker forgot my birthday. Even though it is on our individual calendars. So it's not like it was a super awesome place to work. It just seems like before I left everyone was awesome and loved me...that's just been depressing lately at work to come into this type of environment. Also, because I work a smaller shift than normal....I am scheduled at the busiest time of the day which is ridiculous. The number one reason I stay is for my insurance. I need my insurance in order to survive with this ill disease. Ah well I suppose that's enough venting and moping for one afternoon. If I don't get a call I guess I'll be going in on Wednesday to get fired 😞

Bye for now

PT changes....

So I am about to be on my fourth physical therapist! Now they are trying to revert back to the beginning when I was working core all the time. With physical therapy I started with core strengthening, then therapeutic massages and stretching, then acupressure and cranial sacral method and now back to core strengthening. I made a full circle. Not quite sure what the new therapist will want to do. I have not yet done any traction...maybe that. Who knows all I know is I do feel better on days I go. It doesn't matter the method used, I do feel better. I may not be fixed and it may be a temporary "feel better" moment. But I do feel better when I leave.
I know a lot of people are against physical therapy or feel it doesn't work. That's okay because every treatment method does not work for everyone. Hopefully something you use helps alleviate some of the pain you experience. It does get hard because with chronic pain we get used to trying to ignore those signals. Pain just becomes an everyday part of our lives. We should be so advanced in medicine that we could just push a button and a machine would correct us. Right?...I think I will get to work on that :)

Bright side

Okay so there's not a whole lot of bright side things about a bad back. However, I have found a few.

1. People come to me. I don't go out and visit a whole lot because the car ride alone may cause issues. So my friends and family do most of the driving and come see me :) I don't ever want to take advantage of this so when I am feeling good I go see people. But it is nice when people just show up on my door to say hi.
2. I get my bags carried. My nephews bless their little hearts carry EVERYTHING for me. It's amazing what cooking for boys can get you!
3. I have fancy toes. I know how to use them to pick up all kinds of things off the floor, pretty fancy if you ask me.
4. I'm never behind on my shows anymore. When I am having a rough day I get to lay in bed and catch up on all my shows, awesome!
5. I can do the longest plank ever. Due to physical therapy I could plank all day....okay maybe not all day but I can do it for a really long time.

Lastly, I think you realize the love you have for those around you. It may not be easily recognized otherwise but you really understand the folks around you that love you through thick and thin. Love is hard to show when your hurting. But it's a beautiful thing to know there's still an unconditional love you can give and recieve.
Well that's all for tonight ladies and gents, have a great night!

I used to love rain...

Ah! It's raining again! The sound of rain used to lull me into a deep sleep more than usual and I would sleep so well. Now even with pain meds I get woken up to tight muscles wanting to spaz out. This is so crazy. The only thing I know how to do when I'm sleeping is stretch my muscles out and they seem to calm. The one stretch I do that seems to help most is lying on my back and bringing my knee to my chest and just holding it. I'm not sure if ice on rainy nights would help or heat. I will look into that.
I miss loving the rain. I miss loving the rumbles of thunder as they rock me away to dream land. Now all I got to lull me to sleep is snoring from the husband and and dog who whimpers when she dreams. Speaking of the one who snores, I had 2 nephews over one night and I fell asleep way before the husband and nephews. When I woke to use the bathroom I heard awful snoring from the living room I walked in to see how many people were in there sleeping on the couches. The snoring had two awful tunes so I thought maybe all of them are in the living room sleeping. To my surprise it was just my husband snoring away on the couch. The two tunes were when he breathed in one noise and when he breathed out a different noise! I could not believe it was just him. Crazy!
Well on a brighter not so tired note, I have a new puppy laying next to me. She hails from the same parents my other puppy came from. She is adorable. I forgot how tiny my puppy was. This one came to me close to being trained. She whimpers a lot but I think it's only day two and she's just been scared. It's died down a bit from day 1. She has the floppiest ears when she runs it is the sweetest thing.
Well on that note I will try and close my eyes and go back to sleep. Hopefully.
Bye for now.

Pain management = nothing exciting

So on my last appointment with my pain management doctor nothing exciting happened. I got my scripts refilled and a couple shots in my back. Same stuff I've been getting. Except he put my next appointment two months out. That's the only thing that changed. I think he feels that I'm stable maybe. I don't know but I don't like that this is it. Pills and shots?
I feel like he's a good doctor but as he stated pm only treats the symptoms.

Grrrrr I wish there was a more clear resolution.

I'm not stable damn it!

Recap - Degenerative disc disease

Just to recap for those who do not want to go through all my posts to find what all I have been going through and doing, I will just give a quick run down.
For starters I live in the U.S., I got me a doggie, I am married and I still work.
I have 2 discs that are gone or at least appear to be in my MRI. I have huge boobs, but I made a consultation for a reduction hopefully it works cuz these suckers are huge!
I have a slight bulge and a slight slip over my coccyx.
Work is, ehhhhhh well work. I do nothing strenuous but sit and talk on the phone....for me and some others it's a nightmare. Just the thought of sitting all day in one spot without the opportunity to lie down, CRaZY.
My husband and puppy are amazing both of them are very supportive of me :)
Now for the medical stuff.
I have had problems forever and a day, since I was like 13. Got diagnosed at like 28-ish. I always thought I was a hypochondriac and my back was just my imagination or something. Probably it was my boobs.
Dr. wanted me to get a double fusion when I was 30 however insurance denied it. He was opting for an ALIF. It is where they go in from the front.
Referred to pain management after that all got denied. I'm now 31.
I see my doctor about every month.
I do physical therapy twice a week.
I get steroid and anti-inflammatory shots, 4 different pills and I recently got my at home tens unit.
Therapy is different. I see different people so they are all trying different things. The latest was cranial sacral method. Feels fine for like a day then back to pain. My previous therapist worked more on strength and core and that seemed the most helpful. I try to do exercises at home but its just not the same. I need to get into a serious regimine maybe that will help.
So that's what I've been doing in a nut shell. I have another post comming up here in a few days after I see my doctor until then I will be trying out my exercises.
:)

No Improvement?

Since probably 2 doctor visits ago I have seen no improvement. The last time I seen my doctor I told him everything felt like it was plateauing. This month I feel like absolutely no improvement has been made. I do know I slacked off on my exercises and that does seem to help. Maybe I should make it a point this month to get back into it. My physical therapist thinks I am strong enough. Other than that I am not quite sure what is going on. If I have just reached my point of wellness or what.

Side Note: I might be getting rid of these BOOBS!! Yay!! I made an appointment for a consultation in August so we shall see! They are so big I am hoping they will be like yeah those puppies are going bye-bye, lol.

I am wondering if everything will feel so much better after they are gone. I have been noticing difficulty in bending forward to pick things up off the ground or chairs or whatever. Not that it has ever been super easy but yeah know.

Anywho, I noticed I have not posted this month. It has been such a busy month. Such as, we went blueberry picking this morning good thing we got kids around. There are so many berries around LOVE IT!! Cherry picking will be on Monday for sure. Gotta get in on some of that sweetness.

Well I will update after I see my doctor on Tuesday. My goodness such a mix up with my gabapentin(neurontin) last month. I had to get it switched to a 90 day supply otherwise my insurance would not accept it. It took forever and I had to pay out of pocket for 21 pills it cost like 25$ ....STUPID INSURANCE.... I guess I really can't live without my insurance. I wish I lived somewhere with free but good medical care!! I feel like I pay enough in taxes that I should just be taken care of all the way. :)
Alrighty new post probably Tuesday or Wednesday!
Take care for now!

Ultimate 5 TENS unit

So last week I did not post I was kind of lazy about it. My nephew is staying with me for the summer so I was preoccupied with that. But anyway I went to the doctor last week and he gave me a tens unit. It is an Ultima 5.

If you are not sure what a T.E.N.S. unit(Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation) is I will explain. A tens unit is to help block the pain signals to your brain. Sometimes in physical therapy they will casually call it e-stim for electronic stimulus. If you have had it done in physical therapy it is basically the same thing just a portable unit.
There are 4 pads that are less sticky than a bandaid those get put on your body where the pain is. Those get connected to the leads that transport the electronic signal. I have two pads pictured below.

After you connect the leads to the pads you then connect it to the actual unit.

I have used it a couple of times the instructions are not really clear on the different modes. It seems to work well. The pads are smaller than the ones used at physical therapy. That does not seem to take away from what it can do.
If you have never used one before the first time is a bit different. My therapist says it feels like little tiny ants crawling on your back. I feel that is a pretty fair description. However, I feel that sensation changes the higher you turn it up, it starts to feel better. The lowest level is almost irritating because it is a lighter sensation. But then too high might be too much. It is all about personal preference.

Well I can't think of anything else to add about the tens unit today.
Until next time ...

Doing too much

My goodness, last week one of my dear aunts passed. So besides working, btw I got that reduced back to part time thank God. But besides working I have been driving family around and preparing things for the service. The service was held yesterday. Well my back started to bite yesterday before the service. It seems like all the extra stuff was slowly creeping up on me. I didn't remind myself at all during the week to slow down. The slower I got the more the sadness of a lost aunt would creep in. She was such a good woman. She went through so much. I am going to miss her loudness and her smile. I am going to miss her welcoming spirit. She just loved for people to come over and see her. She always wanted you to pick something up for her whether it was a cold pop or a treat. I remember she used to love reese's peanut butter cups so much. I am going to miss her cooking, she always made such a big meal on all the holidays. All the things she went through made her turn her life around for the better. I was glad I got to know the goodness in her heart.
With all that aside...
My advice for the future me or others out there with this issue is to SLOW DOWN! Even if it means facing reality and having a cry. Even if you are having fun and the time just seems to slip by, slow down. Doing too much causes flares, as we all are well aware of. But sometimes it just helps to have someone virtually yell at you to remember your body can't handle all that.
It's funny one of my cousins said jeez Jenny you sound like an old person with all those pills and your pill box..little do they know I am an old person on the inside.

Until next, time take it easy!