At least I can walk....

There are many with this issue that can not walk. I was there for a short period of time. I would never wish that on anyone! I mean holy crap my husband fed me Wendy's and Oreos! My husband is pretty amazing. But for real that was my diet. He wheeled in the computer and made sure I had a phone, remote and all the food from the menu. Yesterday I walked around downtown I thought how lucky am I? Even though I was uncomfortable and in slight agony I could still do it. A little slower than most but still moving along. Now I wake up today and I'm completely stiff. Okay just a little stiff and I'm supposed to go pick tomatoes with my grandma. Yikes.
On a side note my memory is shot! Holy crapola! So the other day a coworker listed off to me things I said but I don't remember ever saying any of it. It was in so much detail! I mean it was all true but it was stuff even I forgot about. Yowza! I mean people could really fuck with me if they knew only letting few days go by would give me short term Alzheimer's.
well gotta call the grams.

End of the Road

Doctors visit was a bit harsher than most. Doctor basically told me that he has done everything he can. He can't fix me he can only help me maintain. I knew that going in, he was only going to make me as good as he possibly could and try to maintain. He did help me. He did help me walk straighter and move more. He helped most of the pain reduce. However, its still there. Its never gonna go away.
So guess what? He is referring me to a neurologist or a surgeon I forgot which because my husband was the one talking with him. I was pretty upset because it just sounded like my doctor was giving up on me. Even though he was not giving up he was just stating that he has gotten me as far as he can. I am so glad my husband was there because I was in tears hearing this and I couldn't focus on the options for the referrals he was giving me.
I just thought there were more options and maybe he is not the one who has those for me. I am still fairly new to all this so I am trying to figure it all out. Meeting with other doctors I feel doctor is like, "yeah a legit patient,you have something wrong with you, I WANT all your money" and they are just trying to get in before another doctor dives in. It already costs so much and now I have to decide what I want to do and which path is right for me. I just know everyone is going to try and sell me on their ideas of what is best for me. I wish doctors would be as straight for was as my current doctor. He told me from the beginning he can help me he can't fix me but he would try everything he could to make me feel better. He did. I just worry I am going to choose the wrong thing going forward.
I hope it doesn't mean this is the end of the road.

As normal as it gets and potatoes

Since the last post I found out I still have a job and why I got a headache. My physical therapist stated it was something he does with my head. He gives me a massage on my head and it could be from that.
So I guess with my back this is as normal as I'm gonna get.... I see my doctor again tomorrow. I have a feeling he is going to shoot me up and just refill my scripts. This makes me sad. I don't like living like this and its not getting better! Last night I had to wake up pop pills and exercise and stretch to be able to go back to sleep. I woke up from my sleep saying, " no, no, no, no, no, no..." My husband was just like its okay your back just hurts. So I slowly got out of bed and did my thing. Everything was so tight. .....and speak of the devil the husband just texted me how my back was feeling.
I had a realization as to how old my body actually is this past week as well. My little 78 year old grandmother gets these giant bags of potatoes from this farm every year. They are so super cheap. Well she gets at least one bag per family and she stopped by to drop some off for me. When she came she wouldn't let me lift the bags. So here's my little ol'granny wobbling carrying this bag of potatoes into my garage. So sad she could lift it without having a problem and if I did that I'd be laid up the next day or later in the evening. 78 people she is 78!!! ....now she is not perfect she had her knees replaced and such but she is good....ugh 78 beating a 31 year old in lifting.

Feeling a bit down

So due to some of my medications side effects I've recently been getting some migraines. The migraines are like once a month so not too often however they do effect work. This last time I had one I had to call off work. Which in one of my posts I explain a point system most companies use. Well I believe that my points are up. Currently I'm waiting for a call from my boss. Basically I have no points left and I'm pretty sure they are going to let me go. I'm not sure if its worth a fight to claim FMLA or ADA. So now I'm feeling a bit down. I really did not realize what was going on with my attendance points. I hadn't had it laid out for me to know exactly what I had or didn't have.
I mean silver lining is the day I came back from medical leave or at least the first month everyone was happy to see me...after that no one really cared too much. I have only had one person that has been a constant friend like coworker. My "team" never includes me in anything and all but one coworker forgot my birthday. Even though it is on our individual calendars. So it's not like it was a super awesome place to work. It just seems like before I left everyone was awesome and loved me...that's just been depressing lately at work to come into this type of environment. Also, because I work a smaller shift than normal....I am scheduled at the busiest time of the day which is ridiculous. The number one reason I stay is for my insurance. I need my insurance in order to survive with this ill disease. Ah well I suppose that's enough venting and moping for one afternoon. If I don't get a call I guess I'll be going in on Wednesday to get fired 😞

Bye for now

PT changes....

So I am about to be on my fourth physical therapist! Now they are trying to revert back to the beginning when I was working core all the time. With physical therapy I started with core strengthening, then therapeutic massages and stretching, then acupressure and cranial sacral method and now back to core strengthening. I made a full circle. Not quite sure what the new therapist will want to do. I have not yet done any traction...maybe that. Who knows all I know is I do feel better on days I go. It doesn't matter the method used, I do feel better. I may not be fixed and it may be a temporary "feel better" moment. But I do feel better when I leave.
I know a lot of people are against physical therapy or feel it doesn't work. That's okay because every treatment method does not work for everyone. Hopefully something you use helps alleviate some of the pain you experience. It does get hard because with chronic pain we get used to trying to ignore those signals. Pain just becomes an everyday part of our lives. We should be so advanced in medicine that we could just push a button and a machine would correct us. Right?...I think I will get to work on that :)

Bright side

Okay so there's not a whole lot of bright side things about a bad back. However, I have found a few.

1. People come to me. I don't go out and visit a whole lot because the car ride alone may cause issues. So my friends and family do most of the driving and come see me :) I don't ever want to take advantage of this so when I am feeling good I go see people. But it is nice when people just show up on my door to say hi.
2. I get my bags carried. My nephews bless their little hearts carry EVERYTHING for me. It's amazing what cooking for boys can get you!
3. I have fancy toes. I know how to use them to pick up all kinds of things off the floor, pretty fancy if you ask me.
4. I'm never behind on my shows anymore. When I am having a rough day I get to lay in bed and catch up on all my shows, awesome!
5. I can do the longest plank ever. Due to physical therapy I could plank all day....okay maybe not all day but I can do it for a really long time.

Lastly, I think you realize the love you have for those around you. It may not be easily recognized otherwise but you really understand the folks around you that love you through thick and thin. Love is hard to show when your hurting. But it's a beautiful thing to know there's still an unconditional love you can give and recieve.
Well that's all for tonight ladies and gents, have a great night!

I used to love rain...

Ah! It's raining again! The sound of rain used to lull me into a deep sleep more than usual and I would sleep so well. Now even with pain meds I get woken up to tight muscles wanting to spaz out. This is so crazy. The only thing I know how to do when I'm sleeping is stretch my muscles out and they seem to calm. The one stretch I do that seems to help most is lying on my back and bringing my knee to my chest and just holding it. I'm not sure if ice on rainy nights would help or heat. I will look into that.
I miss loving the rain. I miss loving the rumbles of thunder as they rock me away to dream land. Now all I got to lull me to sleep is snoring from the husband and and dog who whimpers when she dreams. Speaking of the one who snores, I had 2 nephews over one night and I fell asleep way before the husband and nephews. When I woke to use the bathroom I heard awful snoring from the living room I walked in to see how many people were in there sleeping on the couches. The snoring had two awful tunes so I thought maybe all of them are in the living room sleeping. To my surprise it was just my husband snoring away on the couch. The two tunes were when he breathed in one noise and when he breathed out a different noise! I could not believe it was just him. Crazy!
Well on a brighter not so tired note, I have a new puppy laying next to me. She hails from the same parents my other puppy came from. She is adorable. I forgot how tiny my puppy was. This one came to me close to being trained. She whimpers a lot but I think it's only day two and she's just been scared. It's died down a bit from day 1. She has the floppiest ears when she runs it is the sweetest thing.
Well on that note I will try and close my eyes and go back to sleep. Hopefully.
Bye for now.