One or the other...

So in seeing support groups and reading what people have to say about DDD, I've concluded you're either happy or sad. The happy people are content in their life and find ways to beat the pain and give others sound advice. The sad people complain a lot and not to knock ANYONE'S pain but try to convince people that they are way worse off than anyone else. The happy people turn to another outlet religion or other hobbies to take the focus off their disease. The sad people sit online all day in various support groups and talk about what a horrible position they are in.
The happy people maybe found good doctors that try to support their position and give them good care. The sad people probably never found a good doctor. I've also noticed that the happy people follow the doctors orders and follow through with physical therapy. The sad people say everything is a waste of time and try to find a magic pill to take it all away.
I am not saying I am one or the other. Frankly I feel I am somewhere in the middle. I have bad days and I have really good days. I just notice this trend of people being either always on the up or always on the down. I feel bad for the ones always down. I don't ever want to get to that, where I just see no light at the end of the tunnel. I want to always be happy. I just don't know the secret.

Just hanging out...

So I got over that whole dramatic evening. I think you need one of those every once in a while. Everyone knows a good breakdown at night makes for a good morning. I mean its just common knowledge. No really I don't know anyone who says that. But it sounded good, right?
So the days of this month are dwindling down and that means I will be back to work full time here shortly. I am really nervous about that. My body is just getting used to the part time. Which means the transition will be really hard for me. I love the thought of working full time. But I live in a body that doesn't want me to. It will be so difficult to live on just my husbands income and with no insurance that wouldn't get me very far at all. Why does life have to be so darn difficult!
On a brighter note I am getting a tooth pulled on Friday! Oh wait... I guess that is not a brighter note :) LOL
But really it is a good note I have some baby teeth still that do not have adults over them so they have just been hanging in there all this time. Eventually they will all have to get pulled. So, its not really a bad note or a good note, its an expected note!
Well my back is sore so maybe I should go take some meds and maybe I will venture out in the rain to the farmers market with my dog. She hates the rain but loves food should be fun!
Till next time!

One of those nights

Ugh! I am having one of those emotional nights. Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? I don't understand I have been a good person. I have done so much for other people. I just don't get it. I hate my back. I hate that other people suffer from this too. I hate there is no real cure. Can't I just have a magic genie like in Aladdin? I want Robin Williams to do voice over for MY genie. One who can make it all just go away in comedic manner.
I feel bad. I feel selfish. I have a great husband who does so much. I don't want to be a whiny brat all the dang time because I'm in pain or can't do something. I hate that I can't do things I used to do. I don't want others to have problems like this, it sucks. No other way to describe it.
I'm scared. I don't want to regress. I am scared of having pain the way I have had it before. I am scared its hereditary and someone else in my family will have it. I do not wish back problems on my worst enemy! Not that I really have like a worst enemy, but you know what I mean.
Ugh! I am not being a positive Polly tonight, I'm being a negative Nancy....
Until next time...hopefully I will be in better spirits.

Summertime is the best time!

This weather is crazy hot/humid, I was able to go for a short walk today and generated a ferocious sweat! I love the heat it makes me feel so much better. The heat just absorbes through my whole body and makes me feel awesome. The winter sucks! Cold weather brings on achy joints and tightens muscles. I hate it! I need to move somewhere nice and warm all the time. I could just lay out in the sun most days and just absorb the beautiful rays. :)
Wouldn't that just be perfect for us that are not so perfect?
Because of all the physical therapy and what my old therapist taught me I had to work harder to walk without pain. My upper back hurt a bit to support "the women" or my boobs as others refer to them as. My lower stomach muscles hurt because I had to tighten them. My lower back muscles hurt because I had to engage the kegel exercise. What is a kegel? A kegel is an exercise that you do mostly unknowingly. You do it when you have to pee but you have to wait. Or if you have ever pee'd in a cup or taken a pregnancy test you know you can stop your flow. The muscle that stops it is very tiny and if you repeat that contraction over and over as if you were stopping pee flow, you would be doing a kegel. It is a very helpful tool and you can do them anywhere or anytime you feel any activity might cause you pain.
All in all my little walk was quite successful. I walked with no pain! High five for me. My dog is even pooped and she is very high energy, I don't think she gets along with the heat. Oh jeez I hope she's not pregnant!! She has been looking fuller from the top lately. Maybe she is just being lazy, she did sleep a lot with me when I was sick. Today is my first pretty normal day since a nasty flu took hold of me. Ah well, if she is we will surely find out :)
Till next time!

Oh a little of this and that...

So I think my doctor had a stern talk with my physical therapist. He seemed nervous when I walked into the office last time. He said we needed to be more careful. I think he just thought because I was younger with a smile on my face he could do whatever he wanted. Well I may be younger but my body sure acts old. In turn I always have to be careful. I don't think he fully realized that. I am not sure where he came from but it's a pain management facility, so you have to be careful with everyone.
So I got to thinking.
You know, I really hate my back. I got a letter from my doctor for them to raise my desk at work and let me tell you I did not think I had that much was wrong with me. It has all my diagnosis's on it. I was reading it and was just like wow. No wonder I just want to shoot my back off sometimes.
On a happier note I got a real raise at work. That was nice. Apparently, I am pretty good at what I do. I totally did not expect it when my boss called me in I thought it was because I did something wrong. I had been gone for so long it only made sense that I screwed something up. But no, to my surprise it was good news!
I suppose that's all for now I need to spend some time with one of my loves of my life....my puppy!
Have a great day!

Everybody! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!.....

So I went to my doctor today and told him what happened with physical therapy and how I was in pain all weekend. He is going to talk to him and probably put me in aqua-therapy for a while.
Meanwhile, OMG opiates did not show up in my urine! I take Norco for pain like everyday. For those of you who don't know norco is an opiate and its not in my system. That is crazy! Doctor says we are going to have to look at a few things next time if it doesn't show up again, this is the second time!! The first time I had run out early so it was kinda expected. This last time I took like 3 the day before. I am not going to lie I broke down into full on tear and hyperventilation crying mode when he started talking about not being able to give me more in the future, if it keeps comming back negative. But he really does care he was like I believe you, you are a good patient you do everything I ask. We will just have to find another way to find it in your system in the future.
Now, they are sending my awesome urination to the lab to test it further. I always think of the people who have to handle pee...poor guys and gals. Like what if you spilled it on yourself? Ugh I hate dripping my own pee on my own hand by accident when I have to pee in the cup, but someone else's pee.....ewww!
Anywho, I got more shots today. Yay....a lot of people say they hurt. I couldn't tell ya my doctor uses tiny needles and numbs the site before administering them. Because they are just muscle injections he tries to make these ones as easy as possible. So for me they are mostly pain free. I have some soreness afterward but that's it. Ah, and he told me today what's in them, steroid and an anti inflammatory the third medicine I heard was whatever he uses to numb the site.
So today was a bit emotional but I shut that up with pizza lol. Don't judge me I'm down 10lbs this month yay! Now I'm gonna go get that Norco filled and go to bed maybe I will get a redbox DVD....
Ah well here's to resting up! 

Oh hip pain :(

So I went to physical therapy the other day. Just as scheduled. My real therapist has been doing some good things with me but its the same stuff all the time. When I heard she was leaving I was a bit nervous but welcomed change. Because we always did the same stuff we never really worked on other stuff like different stretches or different areas like my hip flexors.

So when I seen the new guy I was hoping for good change. The first visit really did not impress me he ran late 15 minutes into our appt. so I had a limited time in pt. He of course apologized a bunch of times however, I was still disappointed. I thought you know he's brand new I will give him the benefit if the doubt. 

The next time I seen him he was very excited telling my he is going to get in there and work out those kinks that are tight. He starts aligning me which I know I am crooked but even long term care doctors I don't like aligning me because I am always nervous hey will eff me up. But he was being gentle. For some reason my dumb self just let him do stuff and did what he asked, I guess I was leaning on the fact that I should try to trust him. Even though he hasn't really ever worked with me. At one point he was pushing on my hips trying to fix them and having me do "thigh master" type moves. Everything was fine while I was there. I got up, felt fine. 

I just had a feeling all that commotion down yonder would come bite me in the butt. Boy did it ever except it bit me in the hips. My hips have been so sore since I have seen him. OMG! I am glad I see my dr tomorrow. Since that last pt I started walking slower back to the hour on my feet and I'm done type thing. Ugh! I hate that I let him mess with my hips in a way that I knew I shouldn't have. 

I have a strange feeling that it has to do with the fact that I am younger. He mentioned that I am one of his youngest patients, so I think because of that he felt he could do more with me than his other patients. I'm sorry but I have a back of like a 60 year old, just because I look less than half of that does not mean my back is that young. Ugh! Stupid back I hate it!