Did my PT just beat me up??

I just left physical therapy and felt like a I just got beat up, literally. We worked on Pilates today and we also worked on some new stretches.
We worked on a leg stretch where you lay on your back and pull your leg up and then try to straighten until you feel the butt and back of the thigh stretch. But you have to keep the other leg flat, no bending. Then another stretch where you put your ankle on your opposite knee and pull forward. That is a really good butt stretch. I never knew how tight my butt was LOL. The Pilates really works the core muscles in a serious fashion...well if you do it right. Believe me she made sure I did it right.
At the end of the session she gave me a nice therapeutic massage. It was really long =). I guess my muscles are so tight from having to take care of my back that she had to spend extra time on that, IDK. Also, got a nice giant hot pad on my back and bum. It was really relaxing. Then I stood up and felt all the work she just put into me. I felt so sore everywhere legs, stomach and back. When I told her it felt like she beat me up she said that was her job. Physical therapy is no joke.
I am debating on whether I should take a pain pill before I go. I don't think I should because she pokes me and asks if it hurts. I am thinking if I take one I may say no when it really does hurt because the edge is off. And I think she needs to know specifically where it hurts to help me the best. I suppose I should talk to her about that.
Anywho I am feeling alright now we will see how bad it hurts later. I will be writing later or tomorrow if it gets bad. So Later alligator.

Good with the Bad

...I believe that is a line from the facts of life. Anywho, I know things have been looking up for a little while but today its a little down. Pain sucks plain and simple. I feel like DDD is so unpredictable. I am good for a few days then boom back to ouchie!!
Here it is well after midnight and I am laying here awake because I can't fall asleep. My dog is knocked out laying next to me. I wish sometimes I could be her. She gets so much attention, love and she doesn't have to do anything for herself. It is not because she can't do stuff like me, its because me and my husband find it necessary to spoil her completely rotten. We have no kids so we just put all our love into her and each other. She doesn't even have to walk in the snow or rain if she doesn't want too because she gets carried around...well I suppose I would get carried a lot too if I was only 10 pounds. :P
If I were my puppy in pain, my owners, that would be me as a human and my husband. Well, they would massage me, hold me, talk super sweet to me and if I still didn't feel better they would take me to the vet to find out what was wrong with me. ahhhh the life of a puppy. Okay that may have been a confusing few lines...not sure if anyone followed me there.
Okay so in real life I am laying here and I swear I can feel every spring in this bed sticking into my back. I know this can not be possible. However, I feel it. I am hoping sleep is in my near future.
Heres to hoping...

Dining Out

So I know most of you seen the title and were like "What? dining out? yeah right." Believe me I am with you on that. I don't even think of it as an option most of the time. My out to eat is considered as either someone bringing me something from outside of the bedroom or a drive-thru window. :) Where of course I am the passenger in my comfy laid back position just along for the ride. That would be only because I had to go out for something else like a doctor visit or something.
But lately I have been not feeling as much of a rush. Before this bit of a spell came on, I loved dining and going out. But then it started to happen where I couldn't sit down for long time I would feel tightening and get nervous my back would go out. This one time my husband and I went out late to Applebee's and I felt fine in the car ride but as we were sitting there waiting for our food and drinking out brewtus's(large beer) I felt I couldn't sit any longer. So I stood at our table luckily we sat in the bar and had a high table. My husband tried to accommodate me but it just didn't work we downed our beers, can't take them to go :) and boxed our meal up and left. I feel like I can sit for longer periods of time its just moving from that position that gives me issues. Like I won't be able to stand straight up.
As you know valentines day has passed and thats the day my husband and I officially met but we celebrate the week after on the 21st because that was our official first date. Some girlfriends and I went out on the town 9 years ago for valentines day just us girls. Little did I know I would meet my husband that night. Wow 9 years, we have been through a lot. Lots of smiles and lots of tears. Anywho we wanted to dine out and I was hoping to make it through the meal but I have been surprising myself lately. I did have a slow walk to the bathroom near the end. I usually do that when I am out as a test to myself. I am not sure why its like a mental challenge, if I can get up and go the bathroom even if its slow I am good. I feel like I can continue and be okay. But if it is too tough then I say ok lets go. I did make it through the meal and everything even dessert and I was okay!
I think maybe one of my bestest friends primed me from earlier in the week. She called out of the blue and took me to dinner. I have to say even though I have a crappy back I have good friends who try to keep things semi-normal for me. They even question if I took my pills so I can be somewhat comfortable. gotta love 'em.
I am pretty proud of myself lately. I was definetly sore that morning from the physical therapy the day before and I still managed to go out and make it through a meal without worrying too much. Hmmmm Maybe all that physical therapy stuff does help???????

First round of PT

I started physical therapy yesterday. It went really well. One of the first things she said to me was "wow you are really young to have this". I told you guys, I hear it all the time. It kind of made me laugh on the inside when she said it. I was thinking, "I know tell me about it". Sometimes I wish I could get away with one liners like michelle from full house. I could have just looked innocent and said "awww nuts" and when she tells me what she wants me to do I could say "you got it dude" with a big thumbs up. But unfortunately I am a grown up and have to respond appropriately and give her my whole life story about my back.
After she told me I was young she continued to probe me. "So what happened, what did you do to your back". When people say this to me I almost get offended as though I did something to cause it. They don't understand that life caused it. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary well I guess, like I said in the "me and my back" post, these big boobs caused it. I think anyway.
Basically because it was my first time seeing her she had to push and stretch a lot of my body to figure out what causes pain and where exactly it hurts. I am still recovering. Its not too bad but because we spent so much time on the legs they are the worst.
She observed something that I observed a long time ago. She stated I looked crooked in the front but straight in the back. Everyone else I have said that to has said oh no its probably just your clothes. So she brought up a question of scoliosis. Hmmmmm?
Until I see her again the main thing I need to work on is my pelvic floor and controlling it. If you are not sure what that is, it is the space when you lie down between your low back and floor. If you tilt your pelvis you can make that space very small or even have it touch the floor. I need to work on movement of keeping that in line when I move my legs. Its hard.
Thats pretty much all so far. We will see next week what she has in store for me.
Ciao!

Pain Management- Shock me, Shock me!!

I do have to say I left the doctor's office feeling hopeful. He seemed very positive that I would not need to have surgery and that he could help me. We will see.
He did do some manual manipulations but not the kind I expected these were light and gentle, not aggressive like normal chiropractors. Typically they twist and pull you in all kinds of directions and you hear tons of loud pops and cracks. None of that happened. I was very pleased because I did not want to be tugged on and I made it clear I was concerned that I thought it might hurt. He only did a few for my ribs and a little lateral stretch for my sides. He was very receptive to my concerns. A nice change of pace, right?
THEN - HE SHOCKED ME!!! Literally he put these things on my legs and hooked me to a machine and shocked me. It was like a lighter version of a barbed-wire shock. It reminded me of this time me and some cousins were walking down a dirt road and my cousin saw a horse she wanted to pet. Naturally, she climbed through the barbed-wire fence. She made it through quite easily but on the way back her permed hair got caught in the wire. She was getting a shock through her hair!! None of us wanted to help her get untangled because we didn't want to shocked... Oh funny memories. The jolts the dr. gave me made my feet and legs jump. It was quite funny but also a slightly painful sensation. Then he stuck needles in my legs. I could feel them but they didn't really hurt and he used those to check for muscle information. All that came back good. He said nothing looked wrong there. So yay my nerves are still good.
He has perscribed me a few other pills that he wants me to take. One is to help the sensation of pain go away. I am to take it for 3 days at night then for 3 days every 12 hours and then 3 times a day. A gradual introduction I suppose. Another is for osteoarthritis just once a day. And then my usual Norco pain meds. Pills, pills, pills, pills.
Then I am to start physical therapy this friday. The room looks pretty good there is a pilates apparatus, balls, different weights, tables and all kinds equipment. Should be a good time. He also gave me a crazy looking back brace. I have had a few of these before hopefully this doesn't get tossed in the pile of "tried and doesn't work". Oh shoot speaking of that I left it in my moms car. LOL ah well.
But this is me making my back brace look sexy before I left it in my moms car.

He was going to give me a muscle injection to see if that helped but because I am having a good day I decided maybe next time. Well that is pretty much it for now. We will see how all this works. Here's to hoping!

My Puppy and Baby talk

I don't have any children yet but I do have a dog. It was easier to talk my husband into a dog rather than children :). I am not sure but it feels like some days I wouldn't even get out of bed if I didn't have her. She is my baby. She is a small dog so she is super easy to care for. She can be a ball full of energy at times and then the cutest cuddly little puppy the rest of the time. Well I guess she is not really a puppy anymore she turns a whole 1 this month. She takes my mind off of things and makes me so happy. I am not sure if people out there are animal lovers or not. But before her I would have never thought I could love an animal so much. I was soooo NOT into dogs at all. I mean they poop in the yard and they stink. Well I figured out thats if you don't take care of them properly keeping your yard clean and giving them baths really eliminates the negatives.
To be quite frank I am scared to carry a child. I don't think my body could handle it. But I want so badly to have at least one. I know my clock is ticking I can hear it all the time. Especially when you have a family pushing it so hard. Everytime I visit my grandma she tilts her head and glances over her glasses, "Well, have you got any news for me?" We both know what she is talking about. Unfortunatly, I always say "no, not yet grandma". Well I go to the doctor tomorrow for pain management I suppose I should talk to them about the 'what if's' of carrying.
Some days I am glad I just have my baby girl and that I don't have to go through the pain of pushing a baby out of my crotch. Then I watch '16 and Pregnant' and I get jealous.....That is a guilty pleasure. I don't admit that to a whole lot of people, LOL. Of course I also have to watch 'Teen Mom' too. I am such a sucker for reality shows even though I know a lot of them are scripted and staged. I still like them.
Until tomorrow I will post with what my new regimine will be.

Grocery Day

So I am at the grocery store and I took some meds before I left thinking that should last me an hour that was just about right actually. I do have to say that I have such a supportive husband. I am one lucky gal in this department a lot of people in my position do not have a spouse or if they do they may not be that supportive. I feel guilty a lot because I can't do much. We used to spend the weekends hanging out at the mall. Now the thought of all the work it takes just to get there tires me out and makes my back hurt. :(
So anyway he drove because he has to drive us everywhere these days. However, sometimes I would rather endure the pain than let him drive. He scares me. LOL :) About 40 minutes of walking around the grocery store and I was done. My body was yelling at me to stop. So I tried to sit on a bench until we were ready to check out, nope to low. I was super uncomfortable so finally I decided to just go relax in the car while he finished. He reminded me to turn the seat heater on to try and help. I was barely shuffeling to my car. I opened the door and tried to get in, man was I in for a doozie. It was hard to even lift my leg but I did make it. Now I had to lean over and put the key in the ignition so the seat heater would work....that took some effort. I finally made it into the car and was relaxing or at least trying to. Then I felt bad for my husband. Just as I wrote the other day about people doing things for me because I can't. This is an example I can't even go for a full outing of grocery shopping without help.
Poor hubby finishing everything by hisself. It is just us two so we shouldn't have much to get ha ha we both love to shop. I was getting worried in the car scared my back would sieze up on me. I tried singing to the radio and falling asleep(a lot of these pills make me drowsy) but finally an hour later he came out. I was telling him I was sorry. He just said so sincerely "I am just glad you got to get out of the house." I appreciated that because he could have been mad at the situation or whatever but he was just like these things happen. He explained he was trying to hurry but the lines were so long it took forever. Which I figured it was so super crowded at the store. He doesn't mind I walk like a turtle as long as I am there with him. He always wants me to jump in those motorized wheelchairs at the stores but I always refuse. Well, I did agree once when I tripped and almost took off my big toe. That hurt to walk on.
A trip to the store did not turn out great I had to dip out early but oh well my husband still loves me. :)

I just love him...

Emotional Roller Coaster

Having this issue is unlike a lot of other illnesses or diseases. Although, it is called a disease it is not something that will kill you but it can slowly eat away at you. Some days I feel like I am okay I can handle this and then others I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. It has its ups and downs. It is easy to get depressed, when people have to do things for you because you can't do it for yourself it's the worst. I imagine this is what someone with a missing limb must feel sometimes. But I look totally normal. I am not pale due to lack of food or oxygen. I don't have a splint or a cast that visually signals something is broken. But something is broken. I sometimes walk funny. I sometimes can't stand straight. Sometimes my spirit is broken and I feel my will to live fade. If an animal is wounded we find it humane to put them down. But humans are viewed different. We want to live. We want to look at the positive. We want to make the pain and struggles seem minuscule compared to all the good. We have good things all around us sometimes its just hard to pull that out when we get in a rut. It feels like the bad out weighs the good. I wouldn't be human to say I never feel like I was being pulled down every once in a while. I sometimes cry thinking I am just to young to deal with this, why me God? Every description you see of this issue states "a sign of aging most common in the elderly". Just look it up on the internet those words are used in pretty much every single definition. But I can't sit and feel sorry for myself all the time if I did I would not get any where. There are things that happen in life and its okay to feel sad every once in a while. I have always said pain is temporary and this too shall pass. They are not original. But they are true.

PMA thats whats up! :) and Big girl panties

So after thinking about everything I called the doctor to set up an appointment with a pain mgmt specialist. It is not something that I am looking forward to doing. But maybe just maybe I will not be wasting my time. I feel like I know what to expect and this whole L4-L5 L5-S1 thing will never go away. But as Annie will continue to sing forever on VHS "the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun". You know the song. If not someday I could sing it and upload it to YouTube because for some reason I know every word...and I only seen the movie like once.
So I am going to put on my big girl panties and man up. You know I get tired of putting on those darned things. I feel like I am always climbing into those suckers you'd think those panties would be worn out by now. At any rate I suppose I should put a stinking smile on my face and get better damn it! If that's not a positive mental attitude(PMA) I don't know what is.

Me and My Back

Me and my back go way way waaaay back. I figured I should elaborate on why my back is such a pain in...well, in the back. Around 1995-ish I was a young teen and developed right on time. I am always average so I am right on time with everything. At age 13 I was a full C cup. For those guys out there reading who really aren't sure what that is, in my opinion its the perfect breast size. Its big enough to give a woman the perfect cleavage and small enough to still wear a proper bathing suit and not bust out of it. I loved myself at this size but unfortunately for me, my body was just getting started.
I blame my back on these over-sized boobs because it was around this time I can remember having my first back issues. I would get a pain in the back and not be able to bend forward for a while but then it would just go away. So, I thought my body was just correcting itself. As I got older I was told I was too young to have back problems and I must have had something traumatic happen that caused this. Uhm, helloooooooo? big boobs when your only 13 is pretty traumatic.
I heard the same thing from multiple doctors. I kind of just didn't believe them, that there was anything wrong with me. But after you are 21 out at clubs and you have to squat down because you feel your back is going to give out, you start to confess that maybe there is something wrong back there. I tried many different things, chiropractors would adjust me and once they finished would look me intensely eyes and say "you feel better don't you" and every-time I would have to disappoint them. No, no I did not feel better. I would get a head rush of endorphines but that was it. And they would say it not so much like a question but almost as a warranted answer because of their magical hands. But 'poof' just like magic nothing really magical happened. . . .for me anyway.
Nothing actually ever made my back feel better. Every once in a while I would have a back issue and need to take a couple days off work I would rest and then be okay. The last time this happened my doctor called me in tramadol, a very common medicine for people with this issue. I hadn't taken it before but I had heard of it and the things I heard were good. So I had high hopes. It works in your brain shutting off the signals and telling you there is no pain. HAHAHAHAHa! said my brain. It turned it around and that day I ended up having crazy back spasms for like hours. I ended up at the ER where they gave me pain meds and sent me home. Like always. But they do you give you some good stuff you feel wonderful in your head. It definitely helps you sleep.
That particular event was when I decided to see a specialist. I figured enough's enough. But at the time I didn't have insurance so the doctor said once you get insurance we will get you hooked up with surgery. The surgery is like a $90,000 one here in the U.S. only like $10,000 in any other country. I have thought of just saving the money and going abroad to get it done. However, I have insurance now we should be good right? Well if you don't know refer to the first blog of this series.
And that is pretty much where my story started......I wonder if my insurance will cover a breast reduction?

Insurance and preauthorization :(

FINALLY, There it is a light at the end of my tunnel. For years I have struggled with chiropractors, pain meds, braces, flipping the hot to the cold, anti-inflammatory's, special exercises and many other options to soothe the ever aching BACK. I have grown to hate my back in so many ways.
So, rewind. I went and seen my specialist and he stated that I needed the ALIF surgery and after about a month I would see tremendous results because of my age and excellent health I would be "cured". I could hear the angels sing!! Thank The Lord!! Finally a solid answer.I didn't just get pain meds and sent home like so many times before at the doctors offices or ER. He had a resolution. So a few weeks ago I went and had ECG, blood work met with the doctors at the hospital all kinds of paperwork was filled out and I was cleared for surgery. Last Monday the day before surgery I was very nervous and excited at the same time I had to get fitted for my orthopedic brace and have a pre operative consultation. When I went to the doctors office for the pre-op visit I called and talked to my mom who reminded me, "Because you have 2 discs that are bad remember to ask how long you will be in the hospital". I had to tell her once again that we weren't for sure it was just based on how well I did. As the medical assistant and I were walking back to my room to receive my pre-operative instructions. She turns to me and says "So, you know we are still waiting on your insurance to authorize your surgery, right?" I think I may have turned blue at this point. "WHAT?, its the day before surgery? this is supposed to happen tomorrow at 5 a.m." She opens the door to my room and says in a very ho hum manner,"I know, Doctor will be with you soon."
Okay so wait, the day before surgery this is sprung on me like baby daddy on a Maury show. I feel like they just told me the surgery was not my father and I have nothing left to do other than run back stage hurl in a ball and cry. I could yell obscenities and tell them to try again because I know that the surgery is the daddy. Then they would tell me they are 99.9% positive that its not. Back to reality I couldn't just hurl into a ball and cry, at least not in public anyway. In meeting with my doctor he told me insurance company's sometimes just like to give us a hard time and he was going to meet with them, have a peer to peer review and try to get'er done. Okay so maybe not in those exact words. But you get the point. To be honest I didn't feel to confident when I left the dr.s office. Even though he did say he'd try.
I waited for a phone call later that afternoon from my doctor. When they finally did call they said the peer to peer had been put off by the insurance company until Wednesday. I felt that my angels had stopped singing and the light slip through my hands. The surgery was cancelled. I still had hope for Wednesday though, I thought that will come I will have good news and just get everything rescheduled. WRONG! A big slap in the face was coming but I didn't know it.
I got the call Wednesday afternoon. "doctor wants to set up some pain management appointments". And that folks is where I am at currently...stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Will update soon :) for now peace out Girl Scouts!